I had a week. A week that was confusing. A week of exhaustion and a week of trying to figure out what it means to be me.
I had lunch with a friend and we discussed things that are close to my heart…things I can’t seperate myself from. In the circles and communities of faith of which I am part we discuss, we debate, we disagree. Generally, I am fine with this disagreement and diversity…I think it reflects the reality that we shall never fully apprehend the immensity of the divine and what it means to be loved by something so outside of ourselves- for we shall never fully know the riches of God’s love through Christ.
And such variance in opinion reminds me of my need for humility.
So I am fine that we disagree… until it personally touches me. I tried to keep my heart out of it as we discussed over lunch. I prayed for grace to love well, and generally I do this with excellence, but then I was blind-sided by an encounter with another friend later that day… and that night I went home tired and I cried. I cried because I realized that my loving will never affect the way some people see me. It will never change the fact that my theology (my ways of understanding God and the rest in relation) diminishes my humanity that may be seen. For my theology makes me a set of ideas that make me “other.” Other than just me. And I am not seen for what I am: sara.
But my theology is more than mere ideas. It is my experience. It is my story. It is me.
And this week I wished I didn’t care; i wanted to be other than what I feel a burning in my heart to be. I wanted to be loved for every part of me. And I wanted to be seen. Not looked through, but looked at as all that I am: A woman, a lover of Christ, a believer in the beauty of each soul God has created.
And this week my tears reminded me that I live and dwell in the midst of my humanity. and this week I haven’t reconciled how I deal with the reality that ideas have consequences and those ideas affect me. And that was my week.
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April 11, 2007 at 6:35 am
Mindi Wilhelm
Dear Sara Bear,
I love you.
I am thinking about you.
Aunt Mindi
April 19, 2007 at 4:59 am
Katie O.
Saralynn,
You really need to update this thing–I can’t keep up on your life if you don’t blog! Haha, just kidding. But do write more, I love to read your writings so much.
katie odegaard